Two years old!

Birthday traditions first thing this morning: birthday ring and presents!

Dairy Queen ice cream cake because he has a summer birthday!

Today this adorably funny toddler is two years old! How can that even be?! He is the happiest, most expressive (oh, the faces he makes!), silliest, toddleriest toddler we've ever had. I'm in love with his curly hair and rosy round cheeks and the mischievous glint in his eyes. He has our hearts, this "Big Buddy" of ours, so beloved by all of us.

He loves to give kisses, and then applaud right after. He loves to makes hilarious growling and roaring sounds. He loves vehicles of every kind, so very much. He loves to put on and take off shoes, especially shoes that are several (many) sizes too big. He loves to eat good food—lots of it. He loves to play vacuum (really loves it). He loves animals and delights in holding Alice (our kitten).

He often shows me what he would like me to do by moving my hands the way he wants them to go. He is playful and busy and so very good-natured. Although he can still cry louder than any baby I've had, he is almost always happy, which is a gift. (Until he isn't, and then watch out!) He is often singing to himself and he's a delighted side-kick to his older siblings, most especially that teenage sister of his (who sometimes uses him as an ice breaker with other girls her age who like to coo and fawn over him and his smiling eyes and curly hair).

His world is one of delight, and he has brought so much of it to our world, too. I praise God for him every day!

We still call him "Babyjohn" although he's really more and more "BIG John" every day.

Happy birthday, beautiful John Peter. We love you so—and more each day.

xoxo, Mama

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13

First in her heat at state (red cap & black shortjohn suit)

Today our wonderful, amazing Elisabeth Grace is 13 years old. it hardly seems possible, and yet we are so ready, too.

I think a lot about the ways I have fallen short and, yes, failed as a parent over the last 13 years. I worry about the ways my own baggage has come to rest on the shoulders of my daughter at times—when I see my perfectionism, anxiety, or hot temper flare up in her. I grieve over the ways our hopes and dreams for our family, when we were so much younger and just starting fresh with our first adored child, have failed to come to pass.

But then I spent a few hours today looking through pictures of her—these, and so very many more—and I see the evidence of a joyful childhood, of a happy little girl coming into her own, developing interests and passions. I see a girl who is a leader, who is caring, compassionate, kind, funny, and brilliant. She is both very innocent and very, very wise. A few weeks ago, she told me that she thinks people rush through their lives and make risky decisions because they are afraid of facing the idea of death. I thought this was so profound, something I hadn't really thought about before.

She is generous, often spending her own money on things for her siblings. For example, she recently bought a scooter for Fiona so that Fiona could ride on her own scooter with the older kids.

She is responsible and so helpful around the house. She is wonderful with John, which is such a gift when I need to take care of other things.

It's incredible to imagine that the sweet, silly baby that she once was is now this thoughtful, mature young lady—and all the amazing things she was in all the years in between. Creative, imaginative, stubborn. An extraordinary child, an extraordinary teen.

As my girl now stands in adolescence, ever so gently closing the door on the large part of her childhood, I know that it was a beautiful childhood that we made together—Elisabeth, her father, and I.

The mistakes don't matter so much as I think. I am so grateful for the gift of this incredible, beautiful human being. To know her is a privilege, to be her mother is a true gift.

I love you so much, my Elisabeth.

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Nine years old

Almost 3 weeks ago, my sweet James turned nine! I've been meaning to get a birthday post up sooner, but just kept being distracted by other things.

James is such a wonder at nine. He's really helpful and mature, very thoughtful and sensitive. He is also still quite a challenge in a lot of ways, but I think there's a real chance that what we view as challenges now will be strengths later in life. The very things that make him hard to parent will also serve to make him independent. He has a lot of integrity. He's a very hard worker and so sharp! I'm really proud of my little gentleman.

I remember turning 9, and feeling quite grown up in so many ways. Somewhere there's a picture of me looking so poised and wise on my ninth birthday, and I think James has many of those qualities. Despite being the little brother of one, he's the big brother of two, and over time, I feel like he's shifted into more of an "older kid" role in our house (rather than just being "one of the little ones"). He's very responsible and conscientious. Recently he cleaned up our entire main level when Elisabeth and I were both sick, the house had been neglected for four days, but I needed to teach cello lessons anyway. He did a great job! He really surprises me sometimes!

He started swimming on a team (rec center league) in January and absolutely loves it. Soccer and baseball were both fun but he hasn't wanted to do them again. Swimming, though, has proved to be a good fit for his temperament, just like his older sister.

James is also very articulate about his feelings and is so good at setting boundaries about his need for rest or time to himself, again, both traits I think will serve him well in his life.

I love you so much, Jamesy! I'm so excited to see the person you grow into!

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Two birthdays

Yesterday I turned 37, and today my sweet Fiona Catherine is 6! We've been enjoying intermittent heavy snowfall over the two days, which we both love. Most of our other birthday plans have been postponed due to weather, which is kind of ok because it prolongs the celebration just a bit longer!

I'm a little speechless that this sweet baby is now a big six-year-old girl. It's so wonderful and bittersweet all at once.

From that golden morning when she was born to this happy sixth birthday, she has been, and continues to grow into, a quiet, confident, gentle, so very funny, bright, humble, honest, and tender girl. she has always seemed like a flower to me, delicate and yet so resilient, too. Everyone always says this, but I really feel so blessed and deeply fortunate to get to be her mama. To carry her in my body, and to get to know her in all the quiet moments of childhood that mamas do, as well as the many joyful and ebulliently loud ways, too. She is so very precious to me.

Happy birthday, my little lady! I love you so!

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One year old!

On Monday, we celebrated a first birthday at our house!

Everything is "peekaboo" to this little one

(Excuse the many photos, but one of my big regrets about Fiona's first birthday is that I didn't put many up online and then we lost all of them to a computer crash.)

I can hardly believe it's been a whole year with this sweet, sweet boy. Oh, he is just the sweetest, most darling baby. He charms everyone he meets. He has brought so much joy to us even during what has been a really hard year.

I've been reflecting some on his birth the last few days. I was planning my third homebirth after what had been a healthy and uneventful pregnancy, and just days before my due date, we discovered he was breech. We did everything we could to encourage him to turn, but there just wasn't much time left, and when I went into labor, my midwife hurried over to our house to check his position. She realized that he was coming feet first which meant that even a vaginal breech delivery in the hospital was out of the question, and so it was a c-section.

Having a c-section was my worst fear. I had done everything in my power to avoid having one with each of my children. And I loved my quiet, cozy homebirths. But I had an immense amount of peace about this decision, and I still do a year later. Although after he was born, John ended up experiencing a cascade of interventions that left us in a horrible situation of a 10-day NICU stay (interventions that our own pediatrician was appalled by later), and even though knowing the time in the NICU was not only the worst time in my own life but could probably have been avoided, I am still very much at peace with his birth. More than that, I am glad that I had to face my worst fear and overcome it.

Although I wouldn't wish a traumatic birth experience on anyone, I do think that facing a fear is actually a powerful thing and I do wish that everyone would have the opportunity to face a fear the way that I did. There is incredible strength in knowing that you got through the thing that you most feared. I actually view it as a gift.

And here we are a year later, with a beautiful, healthy boy to celebrate, and all that is in the past.

Happy birthday, dear John Peter. Thank you for making your mama strong.

In this post: birthday crown and "1" romper by me. Cupcake recipe from this book, with my usual seven-minute icing. Sheep pull toy by Friendly Toys. Birthday ring by Kathe Kruse.

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uncommon grace